greyson got lucky in the dad department

Imagebefore I met my hubby, I read A LOT of romance novels, I mean A LOT!  my weekends were spent laying in bed reading about happily ever afters.  it made for fast weekends getting lost in a book, or two, or three.  I met my hubby on an online dating website.  I went into it with no expectations, not expecting anything to come of it.  now, less than three years later, I found MY happily ever after.  it just took 38 years to do so.  sure, it’s not exactly what romance novels are made of.  he didn’t whisk me away to a foreign land, he didn’t show me his room with freaky deeky toys, LOL, and he didn’t rescue me from impending danger.  what he did do and still does is show how his family is his number one priority.  it used to be me, numero uno, that was his top priority, but now I share the spot with our precious lovey greyson james.  he’s a cute kid, so I don’t mind sharing the rank.  I’ve always thought my hubby was a pretty amazing guy, but watching him in dad mode, wow!  I have NEVER met a more hands on, always involved dad.  he shares in all the responsibilities, I may even venture to say it’s 60/40!  the hubby is quick to step in and fix dinner (he does this wayyyy more than I do. my contribution is drive thru food), hold greyson just because, read to greyson, sing silly, made up songs to greyson, change a diaper, many a diapers in fact (even at the expense of his gag reflex), in general, just be there. I don’t know what the future holds for greyson, but what I know with a certainty is that greyson will know BOTH of his parents love him and that HIS needs always always come first (well unless there’s a bowl of chips and salsa present :)). the hubby has accepted greyson’s diagnosis. to him, it just is and no point in dwelling on it. because of him, he has made the diagnosis more bearable for me. some of you may not know this, but when I was pregnant with nathan, my almost 21 year old, there was concern he too had DS. I’m trying to image how things would have been at 19 years old with a child with DS while married to the man i was married to. I’m not going to talk bad about my ex, I’m just going to say 20 years later, I’m in a better place with a better man (ok, i’ll talk a little bad about him, LOL). while this “journey” we are on together wasn’t exactly wanted, I’m glad I’m sharing the adventure with my DMH. greyson james, you really did get lucky in the dad department!

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being honest with myself……and you

I am struggling with my son’s diagnosis, which in turn is making me question my belief in god.  it started on christmas eve when the hubby and I took greyson to get his picture taken with santa.  when I saw the choices of pictures to choose from, I felt like crying, actually there were tears in my eyes.  greyson looked like he had DS in all of them.  you are probably saying well duh, he has DS.  while i know he has DS, I just didn’t want to see it staring back at me in a picture that was supposed to bring me joy…..but wasn’t. it was just hard to look at because he has been in so many other pictures where his DS didn’t seem so obvious.  let me be clear, I am not ashamed of my son nor will I ever be!  I just feel a sadness that I can’t seem to get past when I think about his crappy lot in life and it is just compounded when I see it staring back at me in a picture.  fast forward to new year’s eve.  the hubby and I were on our way home from dinner when we started discussing greyson’s diagnosis.  the hubby said that I haven’t accepted his diagnosis and that I need to.  he didn’t say it meanly mind you, he was just trying to tell me that it isn’t going to change so I might as well accept what I cannot change.  he suggested I seek counseling, which I plan to….and soon!  during this same conversation I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get greyson christened this summer as we had previously discussed.  I just feel a bitterness at a god that would do this to my innocent, sweet baby boy.  I have heard a lot of “god only gives you what you can handle”  and “god chose us to be his parents.”  why did he chose us?  what lessons are we going to learn from this?   what are we supposed to teach others?  what is god’s plan?  because to be honest, while I appreciate him thinking we are up for the task, I really wish he hadn’t chosen us/greyson!  to end on a happier note, while i still feel a sadness and bitterness that I’m unsure if i will ever get past, i vow to be the strongest advocate and supporter of my baby boy.  he will be encouraged to do/be whatever he wants to do/be.  he will see only love, encouragement, pride, and smiles from his mother, who loves him with all that she is!       

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