on friday evening it was revealed that I am pregnant with my third and FINAL son. although it wasn’t a shocking revelation (I had suspected, was 80% confident it was a boy), it was still painful to hear. there are those who say they don’t care what they are having, as long as he/she is healthy. well of course I want my children, all of them, to be healthy…..but I also wanted a girl. I’ve known her name since I was pregnant with greyson, before we found out he was a boy. her name, my imaginary daughter, was going to be emersyn olivia, eme (pronounced emmy) for short. she was going to wear tutu dresses and hair bows, her hair almost always in pigtails. her room was going to be pink and gray with as many frilly details as I could find. she was going to be in ballet and gymnastics. she was going to love shopping and getting manicures with her mommy. while the boys were out throwing the ball, the girls were going to go do girly things. because she was raised with a brother with down syndrome, she was going to know compassion, empathy, and tolerance from the very beginning of her life. fast forward to her as an adult: she was going to make sure her brother was cared for and had a home when their elderly parents were no longer able to take care of him. yes, of course the newest son can and will probably ensure the same. it’s just that I had a dream, a vision of what I wanted and well it’s never going to come true. please do not misunderstand me, I already love and, of course, want baby boy h. right now, though, I just feel something is missing, feel an emptiness that only hair bows and tutu dresses could fill :). of course this feeling will pass when i hold baby boy h and when I see my two boys playing together, bonding as only same sex siblings can do. just let me have a few days….well maybe a few weeks to accept I will be the only female in a house full of BOYS 🙂
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